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Television networks will be hitting us with a multitude of new programs this fall and surprisingly new reality shows are slowing down! This is a huge accomplishment for America, and we can only hope the rest of the crappy reality TV shows die out within the next few years. The only ones worth saving (in my opinion) are The Amazing Race, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, and Nanny 911, but I will also accept keeping American Idol and Survivor due to their popular demand. But the rest of them – PURE TRASH! That being said, we also have a new network – The CW. For those of you unaware, UPN and The WB teamed up to create the CW. They will be bringing the best of both networks together to create a potentially hugely popular new channel aimed at families and teenagers. I wish them the best of luck, but I can guarantee I won’t be watching. Another big question among network execs is whether or not we will see the next big comedy this season. With Friends, Will & Grace, and Everybody Loves Raymond no longer around, no show has stepped up as of yet to be a hit comedy show. The Office has many dedicated fans (myself included), but it just isn’t bringing in large audiences yet. Will we see it in 2006? Here is the lineup of notable returning shows (excluding reality TV) as well as a preview of new shows (which roughly 90% will be cancelled by the end of the season)…

[ Notable Returning Shows ]

Lost (ABC) – By far the most anticipated returning show on television, season 3 picks up where the suspenseful season finale left off. Producers have said season 3 will focus more on relationships on the island, which makes me sick to my stomach (Lost is so much better without its potentially cheesy love stories). But they also promise answers to the Others, the events in the hatch, Penelope, and the Dharma Initiative.

Desperate Housewives (ABC) – Probably the second-most anticipated show on television, and a staple of American women across the nation. I have never watched the show, but from what I can tell it’s just a highly-stylized soap opera. But it’s bringing in huge audiences on a regular basis, so expect this show to continue for a few more years.

CSI (CBS) – In its seventh season and still pulling in audiences on a weekly basis. This is probably one of the most successful television dramas in years, but I lost interest back in season 3. You gotta give it credit for it’s incredible editing and likeable cast, unfortunately its main audience is age 30+.

ER (NBC) – It doesn’t bring in huge audiences, but it’s in its FOURTEENTH season, so they have to be doing something right.

7th Heaven (CW) – Wait, you watched the SERIES finale? So why would this show be returning? Because The CW thinks they can make it popular again. If they want to do that, they need to bring in new cast members that aren’t as happy-go-lucky as the Camden family and face much more controversial issues. Or, maybe they just need to make the cast members go on a national singing contest and be voted off the show one by one. Then maybe it would be popular.

The Office (NBC) – It has finally won many of the fans of the original British version over, some of them even saying it’s better than the original. It’s the best comedy on television, but Survivor is kicking its ass. Unfortunately, the producers introduced a new element to the show in the season finale that has many fans very worried: a relationship between Pam and Jim. Here’s to a bad breakup.

Prison Break (FOX) – I have never watched this show, but it is pretty popular. It’s a mystery drama about a guy in prison and he’s covered in tattoos. I’m sure there is more to it but I am not informed.

House (FOX) – This show is a mixture of CSI and ER, as best as I can understand. It’s supposed to be very good but I have yet to watch an episode.

Veronica Mars (CW) – It’s one of the most critically-acclaimed shows on television, and supposedly offers more twists than Lost, but its viewership is minimal. It’s been on the edge of cancellation since it began, but The CW is hoping it can revitalize the show in its third season.

Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) – Yet another hugely popular ABC drama (something tells me ABC knows what they’re doing) that I’m not watching. This is one I’d actually like to get into, although it sounds very much like a soap opera to me. Looks like I’ll be missing another season, as I’m in class on Thursday nights.

Smallville (CW) – In its sixth season, this show has gained the Buffy audiences as well as attracting comic book nerds to television. Actually I’ve always wanted to watch the show, so I’m one to talk, but I have stayed away so far.

[ Notable New Shows ]

Six Degrees (ABC) – J.J. Abrams (Lost, Alias) is back with a new mystery drama! I think this show has the potential to be a very big hit. Centered on the “six degrees of separation” idea, it will bring a group of six strangers together in a captivating story. Or so they say. Oh, and it has Hope Davis. You can bet I’ll be watching this one.

The Nine (ABC) – Yet another Lost-twist spinoff, this one doesn’t sound quite as interesting, but worth checking out. It focuses on a group of nine people who were involved in a bank robbery and we get flashbacks to give us clues to what happened.

Help Me Help You (ABC) – A group therapy comedy from the creators of Saved and Weeds. It sounds like a winner, but it stars Ted Danson, who I’m pretty sure America is getting sick of.

Big Day (ABC) – This comedy sounds like it has the most potential to be a popular comedy. It sounds like a cross between 24 and Father of the Bride by planning a wedding in the course of a single day. If the comedy is dark and off-the-wall, it should be great. But if it’s sentimental and cheesy, it will probably suck. Wait, America likes it that way. Nevermind.

Brothers and Sisters (ABC) – It looks like a toned-down version of Six Feet Under, which since that show was cancelled this one might gain its audience. It stars Calista Flockhart and is produced by a Broadway playwright. Sounds like a critically-acclaimed failure to me!

The Class (CBS) – If we’re going to see a hit comedy come out of this season, it will be this one. Producer David Crane (Friends) and director James Burrows (Cheers, Friends) has a new show focusing on a group of twenty-somethings who went to third grade together and are celebrating a reunion. The humor should be a la Friends, which means it will be the same cheesy jokes and stories we’ve been hearing for 20 years, but that always spells commercial success.

Jericho (CBS) – I’m actually very interested in this new drama which focuses on a small town in Kansas that becomes isolated from the world after a baffling nuclear explosion occurs just outside of the town.

Smith (CBS) – Another potential hit, this show stars Ray Liotta, Virginia Madsen, and Amy Smart, which is reason enough to watch the show. It’s from the producer of ER and The West Wing, more points. The plot? Oh yeah – it’s a fast-paced drama about a group of criminals carrying out high-stakes heists around the country.

Shark (CBS) – Yet another legal drama, just what we need. But this one stars James Woods and boasts producer Brian Grazer (A Beautiful Mind, 24) and the pilot was directed by Spike Lee. So it’s a good legal drama, eh? Sorry, I still won’t watch.

Vanished (FOX) – It’s a family drama. It’s a kidnapping mystery thriller. It’s a soap opera. It’s too much for one show. It’s a failure for sure.

Standoff (FOX) – Ron Livingston and Rosemarie DeWitt are FBI agents dealing with a hostage situation. They’re also sleeping together. That’s seriously the official plot outline. I don’t know about this one.

Justice (FOX) – Yet another legal drama! How original!

‘Til Death (FOX) – A new comedy starring Everybody Loves Raymond’s Brad Garrett about an middle-aged couple who deal with getting newlyweds for neighbors.

Happy Hour (FOX) – Looks like an extremely cheesy version of Cheers. I don’t expect this one to last even into the spring.

Heroes (NBC) – Possibly the most intriguing of the new Monday night network lineups, this show is a superhero drama about normal people with newly-inherited abilities. It should be hit or miss depending on the talent of its cast and writers.

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (NBC) – They should have shortened the name, but this mockumentary dramedy (yes!) about a failing sketch comedy television show looks like it has great potential. It’s later time slot hints at adult-oriented humor (yes!) and it boasts Matthew Perry (Friends), Bradley Whitford (Billy Madison), and Amanda Peet (Igby Goes Down). It’s drama theme may be its downfall, and I would rather have seen it be a half-hour comedy show, but it still sounds good.

Friday Night Lights (NBC) – The football movie comes to the small screen. Sports drama shows are rarely successful, and I doubt this one will last either.

20 Good Years (NBC) – 3rd Rock from the Sun’s John Lithgow and Arrested Development’s Jeffrey Tambor should prove to be a hilarious pairing in this buddy comedy, but will it draw enough of a younger audience?

30 Rock (NBC) – A half-hour mockumentary comedy about a sketch comedy show. Sound familiar? Oh yeah, this is the show Studio 60 should have been. This one stars Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan, and Rachel Dratch.

Kidnapped (NBC) – A kid is napped. And it takes an entire season to solve the mystery. 24 meets Without a Trace?

My Most Anticipated New Shows: Six Degrees, Jericho, Smith, Brothers and Sisters, Studio 60, 30 Rock, Heroes

Long time, no update, eh? Hope everyone had an enjoyable Memorial Day weekend. I sure did. On Saturday, Erin and I went to a party in Fair Grove. It was lots of fun and there was awesome food and I got to try two new drinks: sangria (red wine mixed with diced fresh fruit) and mojito (rum, limes, club soda, and mint). Needless to say, mojito is now my favorite drink. The sangria was awesome too. It tasted like very fruity iced tea, with of course a red wine flavor. Anyway, we started to leave about 11:00 or so to find out Erin’s vehicle had broken down (a belt had come loose which basically caused nothing to work), so her parents had to come pick us up. Cars, eh? On Sunday I slept in, as I had a slight hangover, then woke up and watched The 400 Blows, which was a very good French film (the first Truffaut film I’ve seen), not quite as good as I was hoping considering the hype surrounding that movie, but still five-star worthy. Ratcatcher and My Life as a Dog are much better “coming-of-age” films, and are also of the Criterion persuasion (you film buffs will know what I’m talking about). That afternoon I was surprised by my parents dropping by after church with my sister and her friend Alicia. While Beka and Alicia went to the pool, my parents got caught up on a little more on season 2 of Lost. They’re only halfway through it! That’s always fun and it was nice to get to see them. Then they all talked me into going down to the drive-in with them to see X-Men 3 (good and exciting, but Bryan Singer’s absence is very obvious) and Poseidon (works as a comedy, unfortunately it was marketed as drama). Then today I watched City of God, my second favorite film of all time (not to mention one of the most amazing and powerful films you will ever see), grabbed a discounted lunch at Blimpie’s (thanks to my sister), then me and her decided to cook up a storm for a “Memorial Day Dinner.” I made Hawaiian chicken (’twas yummy) and she made fried squash (also yummy), and for our beverage I made mojitos and they turned out very well. And that about sums it up.

I watched the first episode of 24 tonight. It’s supposed to be my summer TV show fixation as it has been recommended to me by gobs of people. But I can’t say I’m quite hooked yet. I just find it funny how this character, Jack Bauer, is trying to halt the assassination of a presidential-hopeful senator and yet also seems equally worried about his teenage daughter sneaking out of the house. I now understand the humor behind jokes about Jack trying to save the world and keep things under control at home in one night. It’s interesting, I’ll give it that, and very suspenseful, but I don’t know if I can become a hardcore fan. I’m also interested in checking out David Lynch’s Twin Peaks television series this summer. Who cares about reading when you have television?!

It’s back to work in the morning. Blah. At least it’s an easy job, and only 8:00-1:00.

Go see The Da Vinci Code now! I don’t know why it’s being snubbed so badly by critics. Granted the dialogue is just as cheesy as the book, the story is a tad drawn out and wordy, Tom Hanks’ acting isn’t up to his usual par, and people who have not read the book might find the evidence to be compressed too much or thrown at them too fast, but it’s still a great mystery thriller for a Hollywood studio film. Best “popcorn movie” of the year so far!

First off, does anyone besides Erin even read this anymore? If not, I am simply recounting our evening to you Erin, as well as documenting it for any future purposes I may have with this memory. If other people read this, you can find out what happened for the first time…

Erin and I went downtown and ate at Mille’s. We both had the blackened chicken sandwiches. They were very good. Our waitress was mediocre and pushy. We recounted the annoying bad habits of old friends and shared interesting stories about childhood. We listened as the girl behind us opened a gift from her obviously wealthy parents for high school graduation. It was a laptop. She didn’t sound excited at all. Simply saying, “oh nice, this will help me study,” and then saying a mellow thank you to her parents. Erin and I admitted had we been in her place, we would have been running through the restaurant dancing atop the tables. After that, we walked to Jordan Valley Park, where the fountain intrigued us to take off our shoes and dip our feet in. After we dipped our feet, we dipped right in and walked up and down the entire fountain a few times. It’s like a foot massage, as long as you don’t trip and nearly plunge to your death. We wished we were little kids so that we could fit under the little bridge like the other kids who were playing in the fountain. Yes, we were surrounded by kids probably aged 4-6. All the adults watched carefully from afar, not wanting a drip of hydrogen oxide to land on their precious clothing. After walking the fountain we went over to the giant robot with the spinning phallic symbol (it’s actual purpose is to make the arms and legs move, but it looks just like a dick). Since the last time we were there, a giant asteroid had fallen from the sky, carrying with it some sort of blue, shredded, tire-like species. The asteroid now lies on a bed of this substance, and so we climbed the asteroid and sat atop it. Soon two kids joined us, who decided they would climb it too. This little boy decided he would jump off. Then he told Erin to jump off. She wouldn’t and climbed down a ridged area of the asteroid. He called her a sissy and said “if I can do it you can do it!” She still wouldn’t jump. I jumped. He said “see, he’s not a sissy!” Erin is a sissy. The little kid says so. God, playground politics are rough. After this we realized the jets were about to shoot out of the fountain area (you can stand over them, run through them, sit on them, etc.) So we stood in the middle, not wanting to get wet. Soon we had a few drops on us. Later, we had a few large wet spots on our clothing. And after a few minutes, we were soaked from head to toe. The water was nice and warm, but the cool night breeze was not our friend tonight. We walked to the Moxie trying to dry off, said hello to Dan and Nicole, ate a chocolate-covered banana, then headed back to Erin’s car. We sang along with the Hedwig and the Angry Inch soundtrack all the way home and complained of the mildew smell of our soaking wet clothes. The end.